As our readers know, the upcoming presidential election will be one of vital importance not only to our nation, but to the world. However, with rare exceptions, the candidate’s campaigns have failed to live up to the standards demanded of them. Instead they have all-too-often relied on personal attack, vaguely-worded promises, and a refusal to confront the real issues that the next president will be forced to deal with.
We at The Weekly Informantwere greatly concerned when a recent Readers Poll disclosed the fact that most of our subscribers could not name the Vice-President, identify the country on our northern border, explain the cause of the painful Bigfoot – Batboy split, or even name more than six of Angelina Jolie’s ex-lovers. So in an effort to educate our readers, we atThe Weekly Informanthave undertaken the project of bringing the truth to the public, just as we were the first to reveal the colon cancer of mega-superstar actor/animal rights activist/illegitimate granddaughter of Elizabeth Taylor/psychic Siouxsie Stewart. Last week we examined the diet plans of the candidates; this week, we present this, our final list of endorsements.
On the GOP side, the frontrunners are Moose Howery, governor of Nebraska, and Senator Ianna Whitley of Tennessee. Both appear to be strong candidates, well-versed on state as well as national issues.
Howery, of course, has been reliably identified as an illegitimate son of Elvis. This not only explains the governor’s hair, but the “common touch” for which he is so renowned. However, the fact that he belongs to a church that harbors Satan worshippers gives us pause. “It’s not a secret,” says one parishioner, an intimate friend of the governor. “They come and go as they please, conducting their devilish rituals and arranging Sunday brunches. Moose has attended their unholy midnight services at least twice. Might as well be a Democrat. Also, I’m pretty sure he has a cat.”
Since coming to the Senate in 2010, Whitley has made a name for herself standing up for American values such as heterosexual marriage, religion, and gun ownership. What is less well-known to the general public is that Senator Whitley has had extensive plastic surgery, including facelifts, tummy tucks, and, reportedly, gender-reassignment. She is also, according to close personal friends, a raging alcoholic who terrifies both her husband and coworkers with her unpredictable tantrums. “She’s totally out of control,” a relative of Whitley informed our reporter. “I predict a split within three months.” Also, she is a clone, and thus has no soul, which might be a concern for some conservative southern voters.
We at the Informant, after carefully considering the characteristics of both candidates, have decided to endorse Senator Whitley as our choice for the GOP nomination. Governor Howery, in belonging to a church which numbers, among its members, a number of Satan worshippers, has displayed a lack of the judgment so vital for a president. Although Senator Whitley’s alcoholism, tendency towards violence, and unnatural clone nature may be a concern for voters, especially in New England and certain parts of Oregon, we are confident that voters will identify with her as a “good old girl” who will rise to the occasion to become a great leader.
Two Democrats have also emerged from the pack: Pedro Sabrosa, one-term member of the City Council of Pasadena, and longtime Representative Dixwill Stillman of Pennsylvania. Either one would be a strong contender, no matter which Republican gets the nod.
The first gay Latino to run for the office of President, Sabrosa has captured the interest of voters all over the country. His standing is strong, not only in the Latino community, but among the young, African-Americans, self-identified Progressives, and the gay population. However, a close personal friend of Sabrosa has confided to us the shocking untold story: “His gayness – that’s all an act. It’s a sad, pathetic, cynical attempt to generate publicity. He has at least three secret girlfriends that I am aware of, and his all-night orgies are attended by Hollywood elite and members of the Mafia. I’m not even all that sure he’s Hispanic.” In addition, The Weekly Informant’s resident psychic, Allegra Clegg, informs us that a Sabrosa presidency would be beset with difficulties from day one. “A semi-major earthquake or storm would cause some kind of damage at a place in a southern state,” she reports, “and we’re looking at another divorce for Britney.”
Dixwill Stillman has represented Pennsylvania in the House of Representatives for nearly thirty years. Well-respected by colleagues on both sides of the aisle, a trusted advisor to three Presidents (four if you count George W. Bush), and the man credited with brokering the peace accords between Portugal and Mongolia, he would seem to be ideally suited for a run for the Presidency. However, there is one problem: his name. “It’s just silly-sounding,” Bible researcher Tamzine Gemmel tells us. “Besides, Bible studies show us that if the letters in his name are assigned values according to a slight variation on the Wusterbarth Code (which accurately predicted both the Morgan Freeman cancer scare and the almost-candidacy of Donald Trump several years ago), and then divide that by the year of his birth according to the Mayan calendar, the result is pi –an irrational number!”
It bothers us that Sabrosa has been so secretive about his love life, and we certainly wouldn’t wish another divorce on Britney, especially since a close family friend of the bitter former superstar confessed to us that “she is on the brink. Another setback will just devastate her – perhaps pressuring her into experimenting with drugs or gender reassignment.” Nevertheless, the country cannot afford an irrational resident in the White House, so we must endorse Pedro Sabrosa.
There are those, frankly, who will question our qualifications for giving political endorsements. There are those who willfully turn away from discussions of psychic phenomena, UFO abductions, angelic visitations, and breakthrough diets. However, let us gently remind these skeptics that it was The Weekly Informant– not The New York Timesor The Wall Street Journal– that broke the stories of Prince William’s bout with a gall bladder infection, as well as the stunning stories of Barbara Bush’s lurid love affairs. We’ve earned your respect with the high standards of our journalism, and with that in mind we humbly present these endorsements.
But -- what is the real value of these endorsements? Well, as a close family friend revealed to us in an exclusive interview, “Those people at The Informant– they really see into the heart of things. I mean, it’s really shocking!”
This story originally appeared in Anotherealm.
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