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How to Make an Arcadian Bouche de Noël

By Jordan Kurella
Dec 2, 2020 · 231 words · 1 minute

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From the author: Recipe instructions from Arcadia on a traditional spin on an old French holiday favorite.


For a traditional Arcadian bouche de noël, you will need an ancient oak trunk (simply the base and the roots; the rest is chaff), as well as damp peat moss and an image of your human lover (a drawing, painting, or photograph will do).

Merely discard the chaff (branches, leaves, nests, or otherwise), and pry open the oak bark with your claws. Hollow out the oak's innards and replace with peat moss. This process is best done at night, dusk being favorable­—you will see why. Now, sculpt the damp moss into a likeness of your human lover (as best you can; failure at this stage is unacceptable).

Once the likeness is completed, seal the bark with magic of choice and submerge the bouche de noël in a craggy stale water source of convenience (bog, pond, swamp, or otherwise). Leave to idle for six dusks. On the seventh, retrieve and allow your bouche de noël (or moss-oak) to emerge on their own.

If these instructions are followed, the Arcadian bouche de noël will be accepted by your human lover's lover, and your human lover will come to you (becoming yours). If you would like this done in time for the Christian ceremony of Noël, do this on the Christian calendar date of December the 17th (latest the 18th).

Christians are very peculiar about their holidays.

(Best ruin them properly.)

 

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