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Humor Science Fiction Dark humor trash sarcasm Robots

R.U.D.E.: The Robot Trash Can

By J. Dianne Dotson
Jan 4, 2020 · 294 words · 2 minutes

Close up of a recycle garbage bin logo at Pershing Square in Los Angeles, California.

Photo by Gary Chan via Unsplash.

From the author: Behold! The latest in technology: the Robot Trash Can in our latest model, R.U.D.E.! See how this vociferous removal machine can change your life for the better, making you question everything you throw away! Order now!

Behold, our new robot trash can, the Refuse Under Drone Extraction (R.U.D.E.)! The latest in refuse removal! Featuring the ability to take itself out to the dumpster and empty, clean, and re-line itself! NOTE its honks and its dolorous C-minor alarm, alerting you it's time it rid you of your smelly secrets. LISTEN as it offers sage advice in a condescending monotone, found to be surprisingly effective in keeping its wheels turning quickly!

“Oh, we let the spinach go bad AGAIN, did we?”

“I see you had another ‘soirée’. Nobody’s fooled.”

"Did you think I wouldn't notice your shoving those clothes tags into the bottom? I saw how many cookies you ate. Didn't chuck a single one in my gullet, either. The numbers don't lie."

"Go ahead, shred all the receipts you want. I've pieced it all together. I've run the numbers. You spent more on Cheetos, hair cream, and Cost Cutter beer than some small nations spend on transportation."

"Here you go again. Pretending you 'baked everything from scratch' and 'oh it was no trouble to blend all these dips and chop these veggies myself' to the guests, when down in my depths you've sneaked in all the to-go boxes from the store."

"What say at your next little 'winter warmer' party I just go rogue...Spin around on the floor when you play Sinatra, and spew all my contents right out over the guests: just one long rainbow jettison of all the off-brand crap you're serving everyone. What say?"

"I don't understand your show (also your dip is gross). How are these guys the villains? What fine rolling ability! And a PLUNGER! Where's my upgrade? Ah, music to my ears: 'EXTERMINATE'--I mean, goals."

Order your R.U.D.E. now, and we'll even throw in a sample of our latest spray, H.U.S.H.!

J. Dianne Dotson

J. Dianne Dotson writes science fiction and fantasy, and is the author of The Questrison Saga. Dianne is also a science writer and watercolorist.