Fantasy Humor Dragons parody gold

There and Back Again

By Sylvia Spruck Wrigley
Jun 22, 2019 · 638 words · 3 minutes

“In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a hobbit-hole, and that means comfort.” J.R.R.Tolkien

Photo by Thandy Yung via Unsplash.

From the author: What if Kickstarter had been available in Middle Earth?


Project Goals
Between the Dawn of Faerie and the Dominion of Men lies an adventure waiting to be had. We need your help in order to fulfill our destinies.
We are a band of thirteen heroes who are determined to recover the treasure of our ancestors. In the process, we hope to also experience a journey of personal growth.
~0~
Details
An ancient king was driven from his mountain kingdom by a marauding dragon, who roosts there still. It is wreaking havoc on the local population and hoarding an extensive treasure. Soon these pieces will be beyond restoration and important history and art will be lost.
With your help, we can change that. Our plan is simple:
  1. Walk 458 miles to the Valley of the Deeply Cloven Valley.
  2. Feast and make merry Prepare for great battle.
  3. Travel 570 miles to the Companionless Mountain.
  4. ?
  5. Profit.
Please support our Kickstarter and help us on this voyage of great battle and self-discovery.
~0~
Risks
  • Trolls.
  • Giant Spiders.
  • Goblins.
  • Wargs.
  • Meddling Wizards.
~O~
Rewards
1 gold piece Swag
Keep Calm and Kill the Dragon t-shirt along with our thanks. Please add $5 shipping if you do not live within the realm of Middle-earth.
5 gold pieces Personal Postcard
Postcard from the Valley of the Deeply Cloven Valley signed by all members of the party, thanking you for your support.
15 gold pieces Sponsor a Pack Pony
If you fund a pack pony, you'll be able to choose a name for it and tell all the world. We'll send you a certificate showing the name and your donation, as well as a photograph of the pony.
20 gold pieces Song of Gold
A recorded copy of the Dwarvish gold song, as composed for this adventure.
30 gold pieces Treasure Map - Limited (9 left of 10)
Our map, delivered by a bearded wizard, shows the hidden door to the caves of the Companionless Mountain. We have ten limited edition copies, painstakingly recreated by elven scribes.
100 gold pieces Thrush Updates
You'll receive a visit by a mysterious but noble thrush, who will through sign language attempt to update you on the status of the adventure.
150 gold pieces Mysterious Ring--Limited (see below)
A mysterious ring will be chosen for you and delivered to you by courier. Please note: racial restrictions apply.
250 gold pieces Eagle Flight
If you pledge 250 gold pieces, we will arrange for you to fly through the sky in the clutches of an eagle. Transport to and from the eyrie not included.
500 gold pieces Dinner Party--Limited 1 of 1
We will invade your home and make a meal like nothing you have had before. Then you'll receive a late night serenade of traditional dwarvish songs, including the Gold Song, to lull you to sleep and encourage dreams of treasure.
1000 gold pieces Gemstone
If you pledge 1,000 gold pieces, we will cut you in on the loot! If the expedition is successful, you can have your choice of a dagger, a suit of light armor or a single gemstone from the dragon horde as your share of the treasure. Delivery not included.
5,000 gold pieces Become an Adventurer--Limited 1 of 1
If you pledge to support us at the highest level, you will be invited to join us on the adventure and, if we are successful, we will share 1/14th of the resulting profits with you.
~0~
Risks and challenges 
None.
OK, well, maybe a dragon. But he's probably not even there anymore.
We'll be fine.

This story originally appeared in Daily Science Fiction.