Humor Science Fiction Strange

War Profiteering

By M. Darusha Wehm
856 words · 4-minute reading time

Don’t just survive — with Missionwhisper, you can THRIVE!

Are you tired of eating nothing but canned and packaged food? Is your local area running low on safe produce? Do you want to be able to ensure your own nutritional security, rather than relying on food brokers, community rations or black marketeers? Then the new Missionwhisper Orangescan™ Nanoparticle Detection, Inspection and Extraction Unit is for you! 

Guaranteed to safely remove all nanoparticles, including sapient nanites, from organic material, mondieu is the best choice for families and small groups to return food to its original state. 

Fresh ingredients, more variety, natural vitamins: eat like it’s 2099!

On the move? The unit is small enough to be portable, but robust enough to handle the raw material to feed a group of up to six adults. With the combination dynamo/solar charging attachment (sold separately), you can charge the unit without access to grid or battery power.

Community leaders, ask about our bulk rates! Discounts available for orders of over a hundred units.

Missionwhisper has already helped thousands of people regain control of their food supply:

“We haven’t had a case of scurvy since we got the MONDIEUs.” — Allyson Trente, leader of the Red River Rovers
“When my kids bit into an apple for the first time in their lives, well, that’s when I knew that it was worth every penny we spent on the MONDIEU.” —François Morin, father
“We thought we’d have to move to the city in order to get access to food. Then we got the MONDIEU and now we’re growing enough food to feed our neighbours, too!” — Chris Wu, farmer

Missionwhisper Orangescan™ FAQ

How difficult is it to use?

MONDIEU is designed to be virtually effortless in operation; simply hold the device against the item you wish to scan for four to six seconds[1] and then enjoy your meal.

It it really safe to eat food treated with MONDIEU?

Yes! The World Health Organization recommends not eating food with a concentration of more than one part per trillion of sapient nanites[2]. The MONDIEU system guarantees removal of nanites to a concentration of fewer than one part per quadrillion[3].

Can I use the unit on fruit other than oranges?

Of course! MONDIEU is calibrated for use on all fruit and vegetables, as well as some grains and pulses. See the Missionwhisper holosite for a complete list.

What about meat?

MONDIEU is not recommended for use on meat, fish or poultry. See below.

Can I use the MONDIEU on my pets?

MONDIEU is not licensed for use on animals. If you suspect your pets or livestock have been in contact with nanoparticles[4], the United Nations Commission on Surviving the Sapient Nanite Infestation recommends immediate quarantine[5]. However, Missionwhisper is in the final testing phases of a new product for domesticated and feral animals. Look for the Orangescan™ Mark-II Gadget in stores in the third quarter of 2119.

How should I dispose of the nanites removed by MONDIEU?

MONDIEU uses a patented Contained Electromagnetic Pulse to neutralize the nanites it extracts. When the unit is full, it will emit a shrill beeping sound. Remove the small access hatch next to the charging port and dispose of the nanite powder according to local regulations. Missionwhisper recommends you wear gloves.

Missionwhisper is committed to creating organic-friendly products that help your family succeed in a modern, nanoparticle-rich environment. All our devices are certified legal for use in nineteen US states, all Canadian provinces and territories west of Thunder Bay, Mexican states other than Chihuahua, Coahuila and Durango and most of South America. Outside the Americas, Missionwhiper products may be available as an emergency self-defence tool* only. Importation of Missionwhisper products into heavily infected jurisdictions may be a punishable offence. 

*Please note that in territories controlled by the Imperial Swarm, MONDIEU is now classified as a weapon of mass destruction and its use is considered a war crime. Please consult your local authorities before using MONDIEU. 

Use of MONDIEU is at your own risk. Missionwhisper is not liable for any civil litigation, criminal conviction or enslavement to the Imperial Swarm resulting from the use of any of its products.

[1] The red flashing light indicates that scanning is underway, a strobing yellow light means that infestation has been detected. A blue light with a morse pattern of –.– .. .–.. .–.. indicates extraction of nanites and a blinding green light indicates that the object is now free of infestation.

[2] Sapient nanites are known colloquially as The Imperial Swarm.

[3] Guarantee applicable to new, fully charged units used in a controlled environment. Results in the field may vary.

[4] Symptoms of nanite infestation in animals include: pack behaviour in non-pack animals, sleeplessness, biting, scratching, tool use, breaking and entering, theft, human speech.

[5] The UN Commission recommends the following quarantine procedures: remove the affected animals and any animals in contact with them, disable them, place animals in a sealable container, cover animals with concrete, seal the container. Ensure that all such containers are marked plainly with the Sapient Nanite Infestation symbol, then bury all containers at least two meters underground.

This story originally appeared in Mothership Zeta.


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