Fantasy Humor Science Fiction workplace humor Email thread epistolary cats mice

Noteworthy Customer Service Interactions, Example 12: Mendoza and Squeakybuns

By Laura Pearlman
Nov 3, 2017 · 968 words · 4 minutes

Photo by Mikhail Vasilyev via Unsplash.

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To: phoebe.tuttle@research-for-you.com

From: claire.mendoza@research-for-you.com

Subject: Re: Congrats on the promotion!

Thanks! I'm pretty excited. I got my first real client yesterday. He came in through that Groupon where they get 80 research units for half price.

Are we still on for lunch today? I've got a quick theology question for you.

Claire

To: squeakybuns@gmail.com

From: claire.mendoza@research-for-you.com

Subject: Re: need to become a cat

 

Dear Mr. Squeakybuns,

 

Thank you for contacting Research for You. Your suspicions were justified: "homeopathic recombinant DNA infusions" haven't undergone clinical trials and have no basis in any credible scientific or magical theory. I have, however, found some other options, which I'll describe in the next several emails.

 

Sincerely,

Claire Mendoza

Research Analyst

Research for You, Inc.

 

P.S. Can you tell me a little about what you want to accomplish by becoming a cat?

 To: squeakybuns@gmail.com

From: claire.mendoza@research-for-you.com

Subject: Method 1 (Re: need to become a cat)

 

After some preliminary research, I've found that by far the most popular and foolproof way to become a cat is to be born of cat parents. Unfortunately, since you've already been born and your parents are (I presume) both mice, this option is unavailable to you.

 

Sincerely,

Claire Mendoza

Research Analyst

Research For You, Inc.

 

P.S. The intruders who've been invading your territory are all mice, right? Not any other species?

To: squeakybuns@gmail.com

From: claire.mendoza@research-for-you.com

Subject: Re: Re: Method 1 (Re: need to become a cat)

 

It wasn't an oversight, actually; company policy prohibits us from raising the subject of reincarnation (or any other course of action that involves the client's serious injury or death) due to liability issues.

Now that you've brought it up, I can tell you that I asked one of our theology experts if there was a prayer or something that you could do to ensure you'd be born to cat parents within, say, 2 km of your current location in your next life. She just rolled her eyes and said it doesn't work that way. So I think that's a non-starter.

 

Sincerely,

Claire Mendoza

Research Analyst

Research For You, Inc.

To: squeakybuns@gmail.com

From: claire.mendoza@research-for-you.com

Subject: Method 2 (Re: need to become a cat)

 

I found a team of engineers who've built a prototype teleportation device. Based on a previous experiment involving a human and a fly, I believe that sending you and a cat through this device together may have the desired effect. This option requires further investigation.

 

Sincerely,

Claire Mendoza

Research Analyst

Research For You, Inc.

To: squeakybuns@gmail.com

From: claire.mendoza@research-for-you.com

Subject: Re: Re: Method 2 (Re: need to become a cat)

 

More a chimera than a hybrid, really, but I see your point. I'll cross this one off the list.

 

Sincerely,

Claire Mendoza

Research Analyst

Research For You, Inc.

 

P.S. Do you know whether the mice invading your territory are infected with T. gondii? That's been known to make mice unafraid of cats, so the transformation wouldn't help you scare them off.

To: squeakybuns@gmail.com

From: claire.mendoza@research-for-you.com

Subject: Method 3 (Re: need to become a cat)

 

I have a lead on a wish-granting object that should be powerful enough to turn you into a cat. It's like a rabbit's foot, except it comes from some kind of primate and grants wishes instead of good luck. I'll let you know when I have more details.

 

Sincerely,

Claire Mendoza

Research Analyst

Research For You, Inc.

 

P.S. Company policy (liability reasons again) prohibits us from helping you turn into a cat for the express purpose of "feasting on the bones of [your] enemies." I assume you were joking.

P.P.S. You don't eat a lot of meat, do you? Bones aren't the part you feast on.

To: squeakybuns@gmail.com

From: claire.mendoza@research-for-you.com

Subject: Re: Method 3 (Re: need to become a cat)

 

That primate paw turns out to have some unfortunate side effects. This option is not recommended.

 

Sincerely,

Claire Mendoza

Research Analyst

Research For You, Inc.

P.S. What's so special about this territory of yours, anyway? Have you considered just moving away?

To: squeakybuns@gmail.com

From: claire.mendoza@research-for-you.com

Subject: Method 4 (Re: need to become a cat)

 

I've contacted a witch who might be willing to cast a transformation spell if you'll agree to serve as her familiar. Your duties would include staring at visitors, guarding her apartment, and some occasional light spying. The compensation package includes room and board and full veterinary benefits.

 

Sincerely,

Claire Mendoza

Research Analyst

Research For You, Inc.

 

P.S. Thanks for that description of your territory. I'm a little concerned about it being inside the walls of a house. Will you be able to squeeze in, once you're as big as a cat?

To: squeakybuns@gmail.com

From: claire.mendoza@research-for-you.com

Subject: Method 5 (Re: need to become a cat)

 

Good news! I've found a were-cat who's willing to bite you. You'll be able to spend one day a month defending your territory as a cat and the rest of the time enjoying your territory as a mouse.

I don't mean to rush you, but if you choose this option by the end of the day, I can arrange for the transaction to be carried out Thursday night. Otherwise, you'll have to wait another month for the full moon.

 

Sincerely,

 

Claire Mendoza

Research Analyst

Research For You, Inc.

To: phoebe.tuttle@research-for-you.com

From: claire.mendoza@research-for-you.com

Subject: I guess you heard what happened

 

It was awful. I can't believe I was so stupid. I seriously expected the cat to stop after just one bite.

 

Claire

 

P.S. I know this is a long shot, but...does being eaten by a cat increase your chance of coming back as a cat in your next life?

This story originally appeared in Mothership Zeta.