Humor

Celebrity Management and Global Brand Representation Proposal for Medusa

By Paul Alex Gray
933 words · 4-minute reading time

Photo by Kelly Sikkema via Unsplash.

From the author: Every agent wants the biggest client, and they don't come much bigger than Medusa! Will she accept this pitch?


Dear Madame Medusa,

I thank you for our recent meeting in your underground lair. I recognize that you have great choice in service providers and it’s an honor to have been invited to share our proposal to act as your exclusive celebrity management and global brand representative.

Today, legends are forged in real-time, with digitally-savvy audiences not only following, but truly connecting and co-creating with their idols. It’s an exciting time for mythical beings, yet it’s also dangerous. Traditional storytelling may not be enough to stand out in an increasingly crowded and connected myth-space. Not being part of the conversation is the first step in becoming a forgotten story.

That’s where Mythic Idolations steps in. For over ten years we’ve proven our credentials as the leader in mythical being representation. From Cyclops to Baba Yaga, Inkanyamba to Bunyip, we’ve helped take historical legends to millennial audiences around the world.

We work exclusively with monsters, fae and folklore, spirits and fantastical beasts.

We’ve launched and managed social media presence across all major platforms and we’ve hosted events in the ethereal and astral planes as well as on every level of hell. We’ve helped clients get onto the cover of Vogue, GQ, Monster Weekly, and Okay. Our clients have won Emmys, Golden Globes, Spectral Statues, and Academy Awards.

You’re no doubt curious about our approach to sponsorship and brand partnerships. At Mythic Idolations, we don’t simply seek to slap a client’s icon on any product – we craft truly unique brand partnerships that have spawned new legends. We’ve launched new consumer good categories, secured motion picture opportunities and even sent the first mythical being into space!

It’s not all work, though. We recognize the strains and challenges that A-list legends face and we’re here to help our clients relax and rejuvenate. Our VIP concierge service will be at your beck and call, ready to meet any need, whether it’s getting into the hottest nightclubs, scoring front row seats at sold-out sporting events or finding sacrificial virgins on a public holiday. No ask is too great.

As a client of Mythic Idolations, you’ll be in great company with some of the most famous (and infamous) mythical beings of all time. Some of our happy clients include:

  • Cerberus: A few years ago, Everyone’s Favorite Hellhound™ was largely unknown outside Hades. With a celebrity-makeover we blazed Cerberus back into the A-List. No doubt you’re familiar with the incredible #HadesSoLit campaign with Billy-B Burgers, dubbed by AdWeek as the ‘hottest’ collaboration of the century. Diners around the country were salivating at Cerberus’ three hand-crafted creations: The Smokin’ Hot Hell Burger, the Nacho-Diablo Taco and of course, Dante’s ‘Inferno’ Burrito. Social media users loved the campaign, sharing millions of selfies with their meals in ‘hot’ locations – beautiful beaches, amazing deserts and within the crushing inferno by the gates of hell!
  • Huma: Demonstrating our truly global capabilities, we devised an integrated campaign for the Persian legend Huma, helping bring this unique creature to the world. Many saw similarities with one of our first clients, the Phoenix – after all, Huma is known to be reborn in fire– however we weren’t satisfied with the obvious. Our consultants spent weeks in flight with Huma, delving deeper into its story. We wanted to understand what drove Huma, how its legend could be distilled into a single message or concept. This culminated with the successful ‘Soar to a new you’ Snapchat Stories series, where Huma traversed all seven continents with Sigil Airlines, Hermes Motors, and Chronos Timepieces, Switzerland’s most prestigious watch maker.
  • The Sirens: Many said it would be impossible for anyone to work with a client whose very song led so many to their deaths, broken and splintered against ocean rocks. At Mythic Idolations, however, we believe there is no challenge that cannot be overcome. Our representatives found a way to synergize the sirens’ love of song with electronic dance music, spawning a collaboration with the world’s greatest DJ, Calypso. Their song, “Ocean Way,” reached number one in forty-seven countries and held that spot for eighteen weeks in the USA with Billboard calling it “the most addictive dance song that will ever be made.” Their new album Anti Heroine comes out this summer.

Why do so many legends choose Mythic Idolations? We think it’s our focus on the true story of each client. We make sure we understand the unique tale that has inspired for hundreds – or thousands – of years. With respect to the past, we craft a way forward with the determination to take these legends into a new era.

As a client of Mythic Idolations you’ll be assigned your own VIP team who are there to serve and advise you. Our network of experienced representatives spans the globe, from Los Angeles to Delhi, Lagos to Dublin and our new office opening this quarter in La Paz. I’ll note, that we welcome creative friction – we expect each party to bring ideas to the equation and while we may not always meet eye to eye, we’re certain that together, we can craft an incredible future with you.

Madame Medusa, I must admit that my team is excited by the opportunity to work with one of mythology’s greatest femme fatales. Our creative group has been ideating potential partnerships from skincare to cruise vacations and even with the world’s premiere brand of Greek yogurt.

On behalf of my team, I thank you for the opportunity to take your legend to new audiences tomorrow and beyond. Should you have any questions, you may reach me by phone, email, midnight visions or by summoning me directly to your lair.

Sincerely,

Maximilian Temperus
CEO Mythic Idolations

This story originally appeared in McSweeney's Internet Tendency.


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