From the author: All is not as it seems at the Fairyland Gazette. But dear writer, if you follow these close instructions, you'll avoid treacherous missteps as you submit your work...
Thank you for your interest in submitting to the re-opened Fairyland Gazette. Please take careful note of our new guidelines.
All submissions should be written on standard leaves in gold or silver ink. Manuscripts should be no longer than ten leaves long, unless they are bonsai leaves, in which case up to fifty leaves may be used. We pay out one curse or blessing (your choice) per leaf (or per five bonsai leaves) for stories and articles we select.
Send your work via snail to:
The Fairyland Gazette
℅ Mab, Editor in Chief
The Knobbly Pine next to the Magic Mushroom Patch
As of our recent re-launch of the Gazette, all material will be reviewed by Queen Titania’s Press Accuracy Corps before publication. We are a fully law-abiding publication and have strict requirements for believability in our published fiction - none of this silly dissent or what-if absurdity.
Some examples of more egregious topics to avoid:
The young boy who is happy to grow up to be a cowherd because it’s a steady job - Not only is such a thing false, but it could encourage unhealthy fantasies in the youth of today. Imagine a nice young peasant boy discouraged from winning the hand of the neighboring princess, and then the society that would result. Horrid.
The ordinary nothing-more-than-an-animal cat - Don’t be racist. This would be extremely offensive to our illustrious cat readership.
The fiscally-responsible dragon with a diversified portfolio - Several of the larger banking institutions have tried to create dragon-friendly mutual funds with recommended mixes for dragon assets. Not a one of those is left un-charred. We err on the side of caution.
The non-buxom barmaid - We all know that only buxom barmaids get tipped enough to survive, and all others have long died out.
The gluten-intolerant (or those with similar allergies) - Yet another person who would die out before becoming relevant to a story.
The local schoolteacher - Our social structure does not allow for general K-12 education, and it shouldn’t. We have all learned the dangers of a widely-educated populace during the year of the Raven. The Fairyland Gazette is a strictly law-abiding publication and will not publish any material that could rabble-rouse in any way.
Examples of Unreasonable Locations:
The suburbs - All dwellings are in cities, villages, or scattered in the wilderness (whether in forests, glades, or even swamps). Today’s travel mechanics and economic realities do not support the suburbs, and we are all the better for it.
The modest but comfortable Colonial, Ranch, or Split-Level - All abodes are either makeshift shelters, huts, cottages, or castles. There is nothing in between, for there is no such thing as a middle class to support it. The re-launched Fairyland Gazette will not publish calls to class warfare and social upheaval.
The factory - Such a distasteful concept! All items in Fairyland, from evil swords to demonic rings, are created with love and care by artisans who take enormous pride in their work. As established in the year of the Raven, factories for anything from tools to weapons go against the law of Queen Titania - may she rule in in complete peace and power.
The information kiosk - Unnecessary. Travelers can go to an inn to get local information or directions. What an absurd use of local resources, especially when in the year of the Raven most kiosks were revealed to be distribution points for seditious literature and were shut down. (As an unrelated note: the re-launched Fairyland Gazette can now be purchased only via government-approved peddlers.)
The land with a democratically-elected government - See our continuing desire to not stir up a revolution. We refuse to be shut down again for such things.
NEW: A reminder that our fine publication now works closely with the Government Bureau for Communal Happiness and they also review all issues before print.
We look forward to reading your piece, and for goodness sake, please please [MESSAGE SELECTIVELY CHEWED OFF BY GOVERNMENTAL INCHWORMS]
This story originally appeared in Stupefying Stories.